You don’t even want to know her thoughts on tampons. In her house, ziplock bags were washed out and reused until they looked like a CDC experiment, and toothpaste tubes were cut in half to mine every last drop. My great-grandmother had survived the Depression and never missed an opportunity to remind us. They’d be rock-hard stale in less than a day what in hell was I going to do with them-build a fort?īut I couldn’t just trash them! In my family, being wasteful was a capital crime. I stared at the bagels, starchy little enemies, as they taunted me, begged me to eat them all. Even for the most ardent carbohydrate fan (me), that was a tall order. I shrugged and accepted, figuring that between me and my three other roommates, Sarah (aka “Pfeiffer”), Marcia, and Holly, we could find some drunken use for a few bagels.īut she didn’t give me a few. “Ve just trow dem away, you should take instead,” she said insistently, already stuffing baked goods into a paper bag. The Romanian lady working behind the counter looked as bedraggled as I felt, and pretty soon we were swapping workplace horror stories as I stuffed my face with day-old scones and let her teach me Gypsy curses to mumble under my breath at work.Īs she closed up shop, she offered me leftover bagels to take home, free. Hopefully you’ll enjoy these tales as much as my therapist has.Īfter one particularly heinous day as a gossip reporter, I stopped into my local bakery on the way home. A few names have been changed to protect the truly wicked, though they probably don’t deserve such anonymity. But alas, this really is my life, for better or for worse. I wish that these seventeen tales of love, loss, revenge, hockey, condoms, car thieves, hookers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and many, many men were nothing more than fantasies. Even Owl, my kitten, meowed something along those lines.īut, friends, let me assure you that everything you are about to read in this book is in fact true.
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“That did not happen.” My editor said the same thing, as did my mom, grandmother, and friends. Ice Cream, You Scream, We All Scream Because If I Deleted You from Facebook You Probably Wouldn’t Notice If I know what love is, it is because of you. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataĪ downtown girl’s (mostly awkward) tales of love, lust, revenge, and a little Facebook stalking/by Shallon Lester.-1st. Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
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Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.,